Recovery Is Not an Event

Divorce recovery is not an event. It is a process. You grow through that process a minute, an hour, a day, a week at a time.

- Jim Smoke

Lord, I Don’t Want To Be Divorced!

When the realization set in that after 16 years of marriage I would be divorced, I felt totally abandoned, almost desolate. Even by God. I cried out to God, “My God, Why have you forsaken me?” I had always believed that my God was a God of miracles, that He could and would do the impossible. That somehow He would just ‘zap’ my ex-husband and soon he would be back confessing undying love for me and instantly become a wonderful husband and father and the spiritual leader of our home.

But slowly, painfully, I learned that God didn’t create any human robots. He never forces anyone to do anything against their will. He gave us all choices. Choices to be, choices to do right or wrong; however we may choose. Slowly I have learned that I am, “hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; struck down but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:8,9).

But, what about the children, Lord? You gave these three children to two parents to raise and I can’t do this alone! And He answered me from His Word, “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will never leave you or forsake you… Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you” (Joshua 1:5,9).

But Lord, I’m afraid. I’m not strong enough for this. There are three of them and one of me! And He answered me from His Word, “I have chosen you and have not rejected you, so do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:9,10,13).

But Lord, my children need their father! And His Word says, “God’s a Father to the fatherless” (Psalm 68:5) and “I will be a Father to you and you will be my sons and daughters” (2 Corinthians 6:18).

But Lord, I’ve been married for so long. I don’t want to be without a husband. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed! And His Word says, “Do not be afraid, you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is His name; The Lord will call you back as you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young only to be rejected, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you, says the Lord your Redeemer”
(Isaiah 54:4-8).

But Lord, how will we live? We can’t afford this — we’ll go hungry! And He answered me from His Word, “I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.” (Psalm 37:25) “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

But Lord, the nights are long and fearful. Maybe I’ll get a big watchdog. But, then I read in His Word, “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

But Lord, I worry, the future is so uncertain. And he answered me from His Word, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Lord, I think about what my life was like in the better days of my marriage. I wish I could go back. And again, He answered me from His Word, “Forgetting what is behind and reaching forth to what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13).

Now, I look at where I am now, a single mom with three kids, a dog and a cat, and I feel a bit more confident and no longer fearful. I know that whatever problems or situations may come my way, my Father God will guide me and give me strength and wisdom. I’ll probably make mistakes, but that’s OK. For I can say with His Word, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).

- by Judy, a previous DRW facilitator

The 50 Dollar Bill

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a 50 dollar bill. In the room of 200 people, he asked, "Who would like this 50 dollar bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this 50 dollar bill to one of you, but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the 50 dollar bill up, then asked, "Does anyone still want it?" Hands still went up. "Well," he continued, "what if I do this?" Then he dropped it on the ground and stomped on it with his shoe. Now crumpled up and dirty, he picked it up and asked, "Now who wants it?" Still the hands kept going up.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson... No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it, because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth 50 dollars."

The speaker continued, "Many times in our lives, we are crumpled up, dropped and stepped on, by the circumstances that come our way, and the things that happen in our lives...we feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value — dirty or clean, dropped or stepped on — you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or whom we know, but in WHO WE ARE.”

And what you are is a unique, unrepeatable miracle of God. Never forget that fact. Allow that knowledge to affect the way you see yourself, the way you live your life, and the way you relate to other people.

From weakness into strength

In his book, Beginning Again, Terry Hershey writes, "God not only says that failure is never the final word, but that your area of weakness will become your area of strength. Where you were weak and learned grace will become a place where you can reach out and touch the lives of others who need the same good news.

"God is not only working to heal you, but to heal others through you, to make you what Henri Nouwen called a 'wounded healer.'

"Such healing doesn't happen through the man or woman who has all the answers. It happens through the man or woman who understands pain and grace. Nouwen explains, 'For a deep understanding of his own pain makes it possible for the [wounded healer] to convert his weaknesses into strength and to offer his experience as a source of healing to those who are often lost in the darkness of their own misunderstood suffering.' "

"God. . .comforts us in all our trials so we can comfort others who are experiencing difficulties" (2 Corinthians 1:4).

I believe it was Ernest Hemingway who first used the phrase,
"growing strong in the broken places." The idea behind these words is that where a bone is broken and heals, it becomes the strongest part of the bone.

The same is true of our broken places–-where we have been hurt, have fallen or failed. When we bring these to Christ for his healing, his strength is then made perfect in and through our weaknesses. This is certainly true in ministering effectively to other people. They are helped, not through our brilliant logic, nor persuasive speech, but through the sharing of our struggles, and how, with God's help, we have overcome. It is a case of one beggar showing other beggars where to find bread.

This is why the Apostle Paul could say, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

- Dick Innes

Splitting it down the middle

SPLITTING IT DOWN THE MIDDLE
German man chainsaws house in two in divorce split

A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by chainsawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck.

Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said on Friday the trained mason measured the single-storey summer house -- which was some 8 meters (26 feet) long and 6 meters wide -- before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls.

"The man said he was just taking his due," said a police spokesman. "But I don't think his wife was too pleased."

After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother's house where he has since been staying.

- BERLIN, Reuters Life!, March 9, 2007

Ten Commandments for Formerly Marrieds

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past.
2. Thou shalt be responsible for thy present and not blame thy past for it.
3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely.
4. Thou shalt assume thy share of the blame for thy marriage dissolution.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy future by a quick, new marriage.
6. Thou shalt not make thy children the victims of thy past marriage.
7. Thou shalt not spend all thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible and evil their departed parent is.
8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one parent family and get on with it.
9. Thou shalt ask others for help when thou needest it.
10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury yesterday, create today and plan for tomorrow.

- Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce

Sunshine after Rain

Sunshine is much more
valued after endless days of rain,
as is joy after sorrow,
faith after it is tested,
peace after times of turmoil,
trust after betrayal,
hope after disappointment,
and love after it is lost.
So whatever good
you have today,
be truly grateful for it,
for tomorrow it may be gone.

© Dick Innes, 2001, www.actsweb.org